Some people think that September is bad for me...they have no idea that everyday is the same for me. Everyday the intensity of the pain stays the same, it never diminishes. My loss is the same whether it is September , October , November or any other month or day. Tanya is my child, so how can I pain for her less on one day and more on another? My pain remains the same ... it is just how strong I am on a particular day to be able to withstand the pain that makes all the difference.

Oh! how I wish somebody could take everything I have and give me back my Tanya...anyone willing? I have never been one to want for material things in life. Tanya always said I was always "so contented with whatever I had".... but now?

Some days the pain becomes so totally unbearable that I just feel like wrenching out my broken heart and setting myself free and on other days when the throbbing pain reduces to a dull ache I am able to face the day and those around me as if all is well. I try so hard to find solace in that which is mine as of now, but in the end when I lie down every night I am enveloped by this presence which sleeps along with me as if it were my bed partner, it wakes up along with me and shares my day too. It is like faithful companion which never leaves me for a second lest I should fall prey to ....Happiness!

Although time seems to race by but I continue to stand in the same time zone, I haven't budged an inch forward. My heart and mind seem to have frozen in that day and moment. I know I'll never be able to move forward even though I do all that is to be done. I constantly find myself with my Angel child Tanya, she fills every second of every minute of every day. Yet my life feels so empty even though I know it is full....do I make any sense when I say this?

I just wish so much to hold her in my arms to be able to feel her heartbeat, just to hear her say "Aare Maa, no worries" or "I love you maa", or yet again "Hey maa just called to know if everything is O.K." Those long conversations and gossip sessions and endless giggling and fights... Why did this have to happen? Why did my constant sense of fear have to translate in to reality? WHY MY TANU? Why after even her father Anjan was taken away... WHY? Will someone please give me an answer?