I know not where I come from or where I go, all I know is that I live ... much against my will because as the days turn into weeks & weeks into months and months into years ... as I grow older I am swamped with fear, a fear of growing old without Tanya ... my soul mate, my miracle, my child ... I am afraid of the loneliness I will face in the years to come when I am too old to do anything ,,,I don't want to live very long ... I pray that once my chores on this earth done I can go be with Tanya & Anjan. David does take good care of me but, I'm scared of succeeding him, I also pray that he succeeds me instead, then there will be no problems & no being "alone": 

She gave me so much to look forward to, and she left filling me with so many memories, but I don't want memories ... I always wanted her & I prayed for her to be born, and when she was born I took one look at her & I knew that she was a part of me, she was "mine" ... always mine ... I could not live without her, I could not breathe without her ... how I do it now, I have no idea/

People say I am STRONG ... they have NO IDEA how wrong they are...no idea what so ever about the pain that I carry in me, that drives me crazy every now & then ... this pain that covers me constantly ... they have no idea .........