I know not where I come from or where I go, all I know is that I live ... much against my will because as the days turn into weeks & weeks into months and months into years ... as I grow older I am swamped with fear, a fear of growing old without Tanya ... my soul mate, my miracle, my child ... I am afraid of the loneliness I will face in the years to come when I am too old to do anything ,,,I don't want to live very long ... I pray that once my chores on this earth done I can go be with Tanya & Anjan. David does take good care of me but, I'm scared of succeeding him, I also pray that he succeeds me instead, then there will be no problems & no being "alone": 

She gave me so much to look forward to, and she left filling me with so many memories, but I don't want memories ... I always wanted her & I prayed for her to be born, and when she was born I took one look at her & I knew that she was a part of me, she was "mine" ... always mine ... I could not live without her, I could not breathe without her ... how I do it now, I have no idea/

People say I am STRONG ... they have NO IDEA how wrong they are...no idea what so ever about the pain that I carry in me, that drives me crazy every now & then ... this pain that covers me constantly ... they have no idea .........

I know it feels like ages since I came by to pen my thoughts down, but, never for once did I forget this page where I so candidly expressed my inner most feelings! I continue to carry within me the same intensity of pain & anguish that I did then, for, within me lies the true essence of my life & of who I am. I try so hard to move on but it's like a slip & slide situation for me... I try to live my life by fooling not only myself but the world that I am OK but, deep in my heart I know I am not and every day it's a struggle. 
I miss my child, my soul mate, my life...Tanya...I know she would not want to see me unhappy, she always wanted me to be happy & to live my life on my own terms, just as she did,,,she was free spirited ... just like her name ... TANYA ... I miss her  so and there is not much that I can do about it ... I know she is in a better place with her father, How i wish I too could be there with them ... I feel so incomplete without them ... 
WHY? I will always ask ... WHY? Were the gods jealous of Anjan loving me so much & me loving Tanya so much ...???? Do I sound like a stuck record? So what???