TANYA

20th April 2009
21 years ago terrorists killed my beloved husband and best friend, Anjan, and now my beloved child Tanya has been taken from me. The questions that constantly haunt me are, “Why have I been chosen to continue to live when the two people who were most precious to me have been taken untimely…what is in it for me? When my very reason for living is gone then why do I continue to live? I constantly seek clarity.

How many times I have chosen to turn back from the very precipice of self-termination not only this time but 21 years ago too, simply for the reason that I am mortally afraid that my soul will not connect with theirs if I try to move on out of turn. I try to curb my growing impatience by reminding myself that I may lose them forever if I take this foolish step.

Every minute of every waking hour
is filled with the memories of my beloved child and I miss her so much that the pain of separation becomes almost physical, yet there are times I feel her proximity to such a great extent that I feel that if I just reach out I will be able to touch her. This is when I feel that my belief in the existence of life in another dimension is justified and then my being is filled with hope that a day will come when we shall be reunited. My greatest hope is that she chooses me to be her mother once again.

Tanya was not only my child but a prayer that was answered, she was my best friend, my confidante, my soul mate. She was the reason for my tears, my laughter, my reason to look forward to better moments in life. Just being around her and hearing her voice and laughter filled me with so much of pleasure and security. Now I am often frozen by a sense of something irreparable. And I realize that I cannot bear the thought of never hearing her laughter again.

19th May 2009
I was the beneficiary of Tanya’s Emotional Insurance, the premiums of which she paid so regularly in so many ways. In the time she lavished on me, in the surprise gifts she gave me, in the calls she made to me and the messages she sent to me and her life she shared with me, in the times she worried about me and most importantly the love she gave me against all odds.
To have someone understand my complexes, my pain, my weaknesses and strength meant so much and she did just that… that is what I knew and I reveled in this knowledge.
I do not know whether to scream it from the rooftops that “Tanya loved me so much” or cry because I was madly in love with her since she was born and could never think of life without her and that, I miss her so much and that my heart and soul feel so crushed that I find it difficult to breathe…
Not everyone has someone to love them so much. I have been one of the lucky few. For this I should feel grateful but, it is for this very reason that the pain and loneliness become unbearable.

Why did life have to snatch away two of the most wonderful people in my life in such a harsh and untimely manner leaving me grieving? I think of my beloved child Anjali, whom I love just as much but differently, whose best friend was her father during her childhood days. She wanted a sister so badly that we prayed to have nothing but a sister for her! What about her? What about her share of grief? I wish I could take it all and relieve her of that burden. The brave front that she so often tries to put on does not fool me….I know deep inside she pains a lot too. Did she deserve all this? Oh! It all seems so very unfair!
Will anyone be able to understand and believe me when I say I would rather much have lived on the roadside with my children than have all this without them around?

20th May 20, 2009
Shortly after my Tanya left me for life in the world beyond, the pain that draped itself around my shoulders was like some invisible yet tangibly heavy garb which has become a weight that I wear constantly. And any effort on my part to shake it off is exhausting for me, as if I have become part of its bleak folds of despair. Yet I eat, sleep, work, watch movies and meet up with friends draped in this heavy garb.
Many a time I can feel the threads of this garb tighten around my chest and heart like coils crushing and squeezing the tears out of my eyes till I feel there is no more left in their reservoirs. At other times I feel so despondent that the child in Tanya was too innocent and trusting to see the dark shadows present in this world and I tried so hard to keep her safe. It is then that my tortured soul feels the waves of guilt and regret sweep through my very being making me feel nauseous at the very thought of my impotence.

My dreams of life were always so simple and undemanding. Never caring about what I had materially except that I had my two wonderful daughters and the greatest husband any woman could think of. Life was so satisfying and I never needed anything more. We all tried so hard to be good human beings…. as much as we possibly could , given the human weaknesses that prevailed and in spite of all that what was meted out just doesn’t make sense...did the gods feel jealous or what?

After my angel child was snatched away from me I found myself, at first questioning my faith, then doubting the very existence of God. Now, finally after all these months though I have Godless hours, I feel that my faith has not really altered. I do admit that God continues to be in my life but I do not depend on Him any more as I once used to. I find myself distancing myself from Him because I found that just as with some people, who brought more trouble than happiness I had to distance myself from them, in the same way I have distanced myself from God. I have experienced so much grief in attempting to describe what I feel for the simple reason that I would never want to forget anything even for a moment.

...... Deepa Banerji